Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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