I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
only you would photoshop your dick
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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