Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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