its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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