The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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