I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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