went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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