New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
