I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
