Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
