I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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