So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
