the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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