the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
