For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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