I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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