I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
