I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
operation have a gay friend backfired
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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