i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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