I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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