Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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