Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
