Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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