How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
