I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
