It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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