so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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