Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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