what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just had sex on a roof
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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