tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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