What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
