I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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