i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
