Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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