Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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