Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
