I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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