I feel like abortions should bother me more
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
