Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
