I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
