I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
youre lurking in front of me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
