Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
