My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
