I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
