Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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