She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
