Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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