happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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