Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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