So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
