I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
