I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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