You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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