Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize