Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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