i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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