don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
