Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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