She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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