It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
