you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
