I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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