do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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