I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
